How to Break a Trauma Bond

Healthy love is built on radical self-love, open, honest, + transparent communication, emotional safety, pacing + developing trust over time, + mutual respect. Unfortunately, trauma-bonded relationships can mimic that dynamic early on because of the excitement + intensity creating the illusion of a strong, loving connection when in reality both partners are bonding over unhealed emotional wounds that are looking to be repaired by another.

Breaking a trauma bond can be challenging, but it’s essential in order to break free from codependent relationship patterns + develop an interdependent relationship, which is a healthier + more stable dynamic.

Join us as we dive into the details of trauma bonding + how to break this unhealthy attachment.

What is a Trauma Bond?

A trauma bond is a psychological response to abuse in which the abused person feels compelled to stay with + even advocate for their abuser. It can be hard to identify this complex dynamic when you’re in it + even harder to break free. 

Signs of a Trauma Bond

The types of abuse found within these relationships vary from emotional + psychological to physical, financial, + even spiritual abuse. Here are some red flags that can indicate you’re in an abusive, trauma-bonded relationship:

• You don’t feel you can trust your partner.

• You’re highly anxious in the relationship + walk on eggshells afraid to advocate for yourself.

• You overlook abusive behavior + focus only on some positive aspects of your relationship.

• You make excuses for their behavior or protect them from the consequences of their actions.

• You question your own experience, reality, + perceptions of things.

• Your partner takes zero accountability for how they treat you + make you feel, + in fact, blames you for everything.

• You think about leaving the relationship, but feel intense fear or anxiety. 

• You defend your partner’s actions even though they cause you pain. This can include lying to loved ones about their behaviors. 

• You cling to your partner’s promises to change + work on their behaviors despite their lack of action.

• Friends + family seem concerned about you + your relationship.

• You might become increasingly isolated, especially from those showing concern.

What Causes a Trauma Bond?

Trauma bonds often have roots in childhood neglect + abuse. Many people who find themselves in this situation see similarities between their abuser + a parent or other abusive figure from their past, even subconsciously. 

Some people might feel a sense of obligation to stay + help their abuser. Others might stay as a survival technique. When this happens, the abused person might instinctively try to de-escalate tense situations in order to appease their abuser + avoid conflict.

Finally, some might experience a dopamine rush when the relationship is running smoothly. This can be addictive + the ongoing cycle of abuse, manipulation, + forgiveness keeps the abused person engaged. 

Stages of Trauma Bonding

Trauma-bonded relationships often begin with love bombing. The abuser might shower their partner with praise, flattery, or gifts. Next, they work hard to build their partner’s trust + ensure they depend on their abuser. 

Once the abuser has forged this emotional attachment, they begin criticizing their partner, blaming them for things outside their control, or making them feel bad about themselves. They might begin gaslighting their partner or manipulating them to cause confusion + uncertainty about their own sense of reality, experiences, + feelings. 

Of course, abuse is often followed by displays of guilt, promises to change, + praise or gifts in order to reconcile the relationship + win back the affection of their partner. At this point, the abused partner might begin to lose their sense of self + submit to further abuse to appease their abuser + avoid further conflict. 

Breaking Trauma Bonds

Unhealthy attachments can feel impossible to break, but there are steps you can take to move forward + break free from this toxic dynamic. 

Stop Blaming Yourself

Whether or not it’s a conscious choice, abusers want their partners to feel responsible for anything that goes wrong. Over time, it’s easy for victims to believe they are the problem. 

If you’re in this situation, it’s time to stop the self-blame and take an objective look at your relationship. Give yourself permission to examine the dynamics of your attachment without judgment. 

You might begin by documenting interactions that make you feel anxious in order to identify patterns of behavior that may not be apparent otherwise. After all, seeing the evidence of abuse + traumatic bonding can help you feel empowered to make positive changes. 

Find Supportive Resources

There are plenty of mental health resources available to help you find your footing. After all, speaking with someone else who has been in a similar situation can help you see things more clearly. Trauma therapy + support groups are great options to consider. 

Professional help is necessary as you begin the healing journey. You’ll learn techniques to address unresolved pain from your past, good self-care strategies as you transition to this new paradigm, the right questions to ask yourself to get clarity, + how to create space for healthy, nurturing, + loving relationships. 

Understand Your Emotional Experiences

An abuser can make you doubt yourself, your beliefs, + your emotions through well-calculated manipulation. It might take substantial inner work to trust yourself again after leaving an abusive relationship. 

Again, find a support system that can help you navigate this process, + take time to dive into your own feelings in order to better understand yourself. 

Set Healthy Boundaries to Protect Yourself

Solid boundaries are essential to break a trauma bond. You are the only person who can set + enforce these boundaries. If you don’t, you can expect old patterns to continue. 

Setting boundaries + sticking to them isn’t always easy, especially when you’ve been told your boundaries are problematic (something abusive partners tend to reinforce). But, boundaries are a necessary form of self-protection.

Grieve the Loss

It’s hard to leave any relationship, but a trauma-focused attachment can be especially hard. You’ll likely have lots of complicated emotions throughout the process. It’s normal to grieve the relationship + it’s easier to move through when you have support from a therapist who understands + can help you navigate the difficulties of leaving toxic relationships.

Focus on Self-Healing + Self-Growth

Once you’ve freed yourself from the bonds of a trauma-based relationship, you can begin to focus on building yourself + your life back up. Take time to get to know yourself again, consider what you want out of life + the type of relationship you want to be in, + start making plans for the future. 

Alchemai Counseling can help you take the steps to break free from a trauma bond so you can cultivate relationships that heal instead of hurt.

If you’re struggling to detach yourself from an abusive relationship, Alchemai Counseling + Integrative Wellness Collective is here to help. We offer trauma-informed psychotherapy services to individuals + couples seeking healing, change, + growth. 

Healing from relational trauma is possible + it begins with recognizing you deserve healthy love. We’re here to support you in learning what healthy love looks like so you can create + attract it. You’re so worth it.