How to Break a Trauma Bond

Healthy romantic relationships are built on love, trust, and mutual respect. Unfortunately, trauma-bonded relationships can mimic that dynamic early on, creating the illusion of a strong, loving connection when in reality both partners are bonding over unhealed emotional wounds.

Breaking a trauma bond can be incredibly difficult, but it’s essential in order to break free from codependent relationship patterns and develop an interdependent relationship, which is a healthier and more stable dynamic.

Join us as we delve into the details of trauma bonding and how to break this unhealthy attachment.

What is a trauma bond?

A trauma bond is a psychological response to abuse in which the abused person feels compelled to stay with–and even advocate for–their abuser. It can be hard to identify this complex dynamic when you’re in it and even harder to break free from its clutches. 

What are the signs of a trauma bond?

The types of abuse found within these relationships vary from emotional and psychological to physical, financial, and even spiritual abuse. Here are some red flags that can indicate you’re in an abusive, trauma-bonded relationship:

• You don’t feel you can trust your partner.

• You’re highly anxious in the relationship and walk on eggshells.

• You overlook abusive behavior and focus on the positive aspects of your relationship.

• You make excuses for their behavior.

• You think about leaving the relationship, but feel intense anxiety about breaking free. 

• You defend your partner’s actions even though they cause you pain. This can include lying to loved ones about their behavior. 

• You cling to your partner’s promises to change and work on their behavior despite their failure to do so.

• Friends and family seem concerned about you and your relationship.

• You might become increasingly isolated, especially from those showing concern.

What causes a trauma bond?

Trauma bonds often have roots in childhood neglect and abuse. Many people who find themselves in this situation see similarities between their abuser and a parent or other abusive figure from their past, even subconsciously. 

Some people might feel a sense of obligation to stay and help their abuser. Others might stay as a survival technique. When this happens, the abused person might instinctively try to de-escalate tense situations in order to appease their abuser and avoid conflict.

Finally, some might experience a dopamine rush when the relationship is running smoothly. This can be addictive, and the ongoing cycle of abuse, manipulation, and forgiveness keeps the abused person engaged. 

The stages of trauma bonding

Trauma-bonded relationships often begin with love bombing. The abuser might shower their partner with praise, flattery, or gifts. Next, they work hard to build their partner’s trust and ensure they depend on their abuser. 

Once the abuser has forged this emotional attachment, they begin criticizing their partner, blaming them for things outside their control, or making them feel bad about themselves. They might begin gaslighting their partner or manipulating them to cause confusion and uncertainty about their own thoughts, beliefs, and feelings. 

Of course, abuse is often followed by displays of guilt, promises to change, and praise or gifts in order to reconcile the relationship and win back the affection of their partner. At this point, the abused partner might begin to lose their sense of self and submit to further abuse to appease their abuser and avoid further conflict. 

Steps to breaking the trauma bond

Unhealthy attachments can feel impossible to break, but there are steps you can take to move forward and break free. 

Self-blaming needs to stop

Whether or not it’s a conscious choice, abusers want their partners to feel responsible for anything that goes wrong. Over time, it’s easy for victims to believe they are the problem. 

If you’re in this situation, it’s time to stop the self-blame and take an objective look at your relationship. Give yourself permission to examine the dynamics of your attachment without judgment. 

You might begin by documenting interactions that make you feel anxious in order to identify patterns of behavior that may not be apparent otherwise. After all, seeing the evidence of abuse and traumatic bonding can help you feel empowered to make positive changes. 

Look to resources

There are plenty of mental health resources available to help you find your footing. After all, speaking with someone else who has been in a similar situation can help you see things more clearly. Support groups cognitive behavioral therapy, and trauma therapy are great options to consider. 

Professional help is invaluable as you begin healing past trauma. You might learn better techniques to address issues from your trauma-bonded relationship, good self-care strategies as you transition to this new paradigm, the right questions to ask yourself, and how to create space for healthy, loving relationships. 

Understand your own emotions

An abuser can make you doubt yourself, your beliefs, and your emotions through well-calculated manipulation. It might take substantial inner work to trust yourself again after leaving an abusive relationship. 

Again, find a support system that can help you navigate this process, and take time to delve into your own feelings in order to better understand yourself. 

Set your own boundaries

Solid boundaries are essential to break a trauma bond. You are the only person who can set and enforce these boundaries. If you don’t, you can expect old patterns to re-emerge. 

Unfortunately, setting boundaries–and sticking to them–isn’t easy, especially when you’ve been told that your boundaries are problematic (something abusive partners tend to reinforce). 

Be able to grieve

It’s hard to leave any relationship, but a trauma-focused attachment can be especially hard to break. You’ll likely have lots of complicated emotions throughout the process. It’s okay to grieve your lost relationship–or the one you thought you imagined having with your abuser when they finally made all those changes they promised to make. In fact, it’s healthy to mourn the loss of what might have been. It’s easier to move through grief when you have support and work with a therapist who understands and can help you navigate the difficulties of leaving a trauma-bonded relationship.

Focus on self-growth

Once you’ve freed yourself from the bonds of a trauma-based relationship, you can begin to focus on building yourself and your life back up. Take time to get to know yourself again, consider what you want out of life and a relationship, and start making plans for the future. 

Alchemai Counseling can help you take the steps to break free from a trauma bond

If you’re struggling to detach yourself from an abusive relationship, Alchemai Counseling + Integrative Wellness Collective is here to help. We offer trauma-informed psychotherapy services to individuals and couples seeking healing, change, and growth. 

Whether you’re looking for affordable online therapy or in-person visits at our Tampa office, we’ll work together to help you meet your goals. Book now or contact us today to see if we’re a good fit. We can’t wait to begin the journey with you!